


The Trick is to Keep Breathing: Riley’s Journey

by yuniesan



Series: Sometimes Everything Hurts [2]
Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But they get better, Cutting, F/M, Friendship Mending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Josh is a protective uncle, Self-Harm, Texas Lucas Friar, Therapy, everyone blames themselves for what happened, things are sad and I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 00:16:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16545095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuniesan/pseuds/yuniesan
Summary: Sometimes too much happens, sometimes everything is overwhelming, sometimes you just have to break before everyone notices that you're no longer the person you used to be.





	The Trick is to Keep Breathing: Riley’s Journey

**Author's Note:**

> This is a 15,000 word angst train, I am sorry. The Title comes from the song by the band Garbage.

When it first happened, when that pain in her heart had started, she wasn’t sure what to do, everyone around her was happily joking about everything. They said things about Maya and Lucas having a fire, while what Riley only had the spring rain, she was Most Likely to Smile Herself to Death, she was just Riley, and Riley could never be Maya. Everyone loved Maya, and everyone loved Maya with Lucas even though they had all seen Riley and Lucas together, working on their relationship, working on just being themselves.

“Who am I really?” she asked herself as she stood in the bathroom after not being able to deal with the whole yearbook situation.

Her reaction was the same as Farkle’s, they decided to become other people, because if they were so quick to take away everything from her, to judge her based everything that made her who she was, why shouldn’t she embrace the darkness just a little. So, she darkened her room, her clothes, and gave herself a whole new outlook. No one cared in the end because Maya showed up dressed as Riley, and if Maya could be Riley and still have Lucas than it didn’t matter. To them all that mattered was getting the best of both, with just one of them.

Then Lucas walked in and started freaking out, because Maya had changed as well, and Lucas just wanted everyone to be themselves. Who she was mattered to him, but then there was a small moment between him and Maya, and after that Maya started talking, in the way that she thought

“Aww, Lucas, you're a very sweet guy. That's why I always liked you since I fell onto your lap on the subway. It's why we should have been favorite couple. Because we're so much alike. You know, it's like we're two sunshiney people from the same sunshiney family. That's why I like you so much. It's like you're my brother. Oh. It's like he's your,” Maya heard herself say.

“What,” she had heard everything Maya had said and could only feel the rushing of blood in her ears, her head screaming. Was this really how Maya saw them? Or how Maya saw Riley?

She wondered if her best friend had ever truly paid attention to her, or if all those moments where she was sure that the other girl was listening, she had only heard what she had wanted to hear. It hurt.... everything hurt. She wanted to scream and yell and say that this wasn’t how she felt about Lucas. She liked the way that Lucas and her relationship was, because they were only in middle school, it shouldn’t be fast and crazy like Darby and Yogi, it should be slow and careful. Even her parents hadn’t taken thing very fast, they had years together, they had time, but for some reason, everyone was pushing for everything to happen or else they would move onto the next best thing.

So, she talked to Maya, she turned back into her old self, but now it felt fake and weird, but only because it felt as if she was attempting to be herself and ignore everything else that had happened. Everyone still wanted Maya and Lucas together, Farkle had changed, not too much, but enough to grow, but Riley felt stuck in her own body in her own thoughts. She was stuck being who everyone wanted her to be, with who they wanted her to be with, all without thinking about what she had wanted. They had her father’s life lessons, they had an inside track into her life, but it felt like they never really understood her, they never saw who she was.

When Lucas hadn’t asked her to the semi-formal, as the weeks passed and she constantly wondered if he had moved on, but that was impossible because he had always been there next to her. He hadn’t asked. Charlie Gardner did, and it felt like he had come out of left field, only for Lucas to say that he had thought that they were going, as if it were an unspoken agreement. Instead she lied, she said she was babysitting, she said anything because in the end, it didn’t matter if she went or not. Even if she had wanted to go and dance with Lucas.

She tried to reason with what Maya had thought about what Riley should be feeling, even though she had wanted to be with Lucas. Her feelings were all jumbled up and she couldn’t understand it all, but the words still rang in her head, the way others felt about her own relationship with the boy that she’s liked for over a year. Maya’s words, about them being like brother and sister, even though Riley knew it wasn’t true. She was letting everyone else’s feelings and thoughts into her mind, and there was no more room for Riley anymore. Not when everyone else's opinions existed in the same place as hers.

That was when Uncle Eric had brought his friend Jack to the semi-formal, Jack who was shocked that her parents had a daughter, Jack who had gone through being in love with a person who had seen him as someone they could love and his Uncle Eric as a brother.

“Keep your friends around as long as you can. That's the best choice you can make” Jack had told her, but it only made it more difficult to think about everything else. Too much had happened, her feelings for Lucas had only grown which had scared her just a little more. Her past insecurities about who she was, and who she could be, what everyone though was true about her and what was really true.

She felt as if she were drowning in her own thoughts, and instead of asking for help or saying anything she threw herself into helping everyone else. The art program was in trouble, she needed to help Maya, but even Lucas saying that Maya deserved to be happy had hurt her. She knew it was true, Maya did deserve happiness, but in her mind those words had just become something else that pushed Lucas away from her. She was becoming certain that everyone had been right about Lucas and Maya being together, but then Farkle had his genius party and Lucas had smiled at her and it felt like the world was righting itself just a little. He faked proposed, even though it was for Farkle’s benefit, but it felt real to Riley, it was stupid, she was sure but even for just a moment it felt nice. So, she helped Farkle and Smackle, she helped them with their problems, and helped push them just a little bit closer, because it mattered to her that at least someone would find a form of happiness even when she felt like she was drowning.

Just when it felt like something was going right in the world, even if it wasn’t her world, everything came crumbling down. It all started with a text message, just a single sentence, and then another, and another. Somehow this person had gotten her phone number, but it felt as if they knew just what to say to kick her when she was down. Calling her ugly and stupid, telling her that all of her friends will one day leave her because she didn’t deserve them.

She began to wake up in the mornings, looking at herself in the mirror, and all she could see were the imperfections. “I am Riley Matthews,” she began, it had become her mantra in the mornings just before Maya came to pick her up. “I’m a good person, I can get through the day, I can be happy… I’m fine… I’m fine…”

Some days it would work, but most days as the bullying began to get worse it would only remind her that she wasn’t fine, and no one noticed. She didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, she didn’t want to tell them what was happening to her, so she held it all inside, having her award shows, smiling at everyone like normal. But even those small things had become ammunition, until it finally spilled over and she ended up yelling at Maya over it all. Rileytown was up in flames, and there was no saving it anymore. Lucas was furious about it all, ripping open the counters at the café, Farkle and Zay tried their best, and she spilled everything to Maya. Only to have the reminders there in the background, the thoughts still in her head. They weren’t going to go away over night, they were only going to get worse.

The only thing that made it just a little bit better was becoming a cheerleader, even though everyone doubted her ability to actually achieve her goal. When it happened, she couldn’t help but feel like something had finally started to go right, that finally she could have something for herself. So, she worked hard, she smiled with everyone, they helped her with the routines, with her clumsiness, they wanted her to be a cheerleader not only in name. It still felt like she was putting on a show, but it was something she could control.

It felt like the world was finally righting itself around her, so she worked with Maya and Zay to get Lucas to defeat Tombstone, who she had thought was a sheep, but was really a giant bull. It scared her that she had put Lucas in that kind of danger, but he wanted to be able to overcome his fears and he wanted her to be there for him. So, she pushed her fear aside to be strong for him, except Maya freaked out and stormed off, and after Lucas had fallen, Riley realized something, and it changed everything.

Maya liked Lucas.

The piece she had so carefully put together after the bullying incident, had started to crack once again, they never really healed to begin with, but she pushed them aside, she pushed herself aside to give her best friend a small form of happiness. She pushed the boy that she had been falling for towards her best friend, lying to him, hurting him, just so that he could find happiness in what everyone believed was real. That fire between Maya and him. The spring rain would just have to go away, she didn’t matter as long as Maya was happy for once. So, she told the world at the campfire and ran off as fast as she could before anyone could say anything. Her heart shattering even more, because it didn’t matter as long as they were happy. She kept the tears away long enough to make it to the house only to realize that she had left her phone behind, she had felt stupid for leaving it because it meant that she couldn’t drown her feelings in the music she had on there.

Turning back, she walked towards the fire, everyone should still be there so it wouldn’t matter if she walked back for her phone. But when she got there, the only people left had been Maya and Lucas, and Riley stood there watching it as if it were a train wreck, as if there was a total eclipse and she wanted to go blind. As Lucas held Maya’s face in a way that he had never held Riley’s. The pieces of her heart no longer existed, and all that had been left was pain. They were shattered beyond repair, and she was certain that she would never have the chance to get them back together. She turned and ran, the moon being her only light as she ran away from the house, from the campfire, from the places where she gave up everything for Maya to be happy. They didn’t have to see how it hurt her, how quickly Lucas had moved on, how quickly Maya had pushed aside Riley’s feelings and told her how to feel.

It wasn’t until her lungs burned from the run, when all she could hear or see were the cows and the horses around her, where she let everything out. Where she felt herself break apart to the point of no return. There weren't enough I’m fine’s in the world that would bring everything back together. All there was, was the pain, and her tears as she screamed out into the night, as she tried to catch her breath, as she fell apart where no one would see her, where no one would hear her. They were just kids, they could fall in and out of love at any given moment. It shouldn’t have mattered... except it did.

No one said anything on the way home, and she didn’t care, nothing really mattered anymore. Everything just felt empty. Even when Maya had admitted to the moment, even when Charlie asked her out, all she could do was go through with the motions. Everyone had gotten what they had wanted, Maya and Lucas could have their fire and Riley would just keep going with nothing but the empty feeling in her heart as she tried to keep going. She tried talking to her mother, but her mother pushed her aside, and gave her to Maya, her mother who would tell Maya stories and give her advice, had pushed her own daughter aside, and it was just another hurtful thing to add to the mountain of feelings breaking her apart. Farkle noticed how Riley had been holding back, and it felt nice for someone to realize that she wasn’t fine, but instead of helping her, he gave her an ultimatum. He wanted her to keep Maya from finding happiness, he wanted Riley to stop sacrificing herself and to tell the truth, but Riley just asked for time, because she needed to delay it long enough so that she could piece herself back together enough to feel anything but the pain inside of her heart.

It wasn’t until just before New Year's, as she planned a party, a ball, acting like everything was normal, when she had first cut herself. It had been an accident, the blade on her razor had broken off, the cut happened as it fell, but the pain in her heart had lessened just a little bit. One pain took away another, it was as simple as that. She found the first aid kit and put a band-aid on the cut, the stinging feeling there making her feel less broken. Instead of throwing the blade away she put a little alcohol on it and cleaned it before wrapping it up in a gauze and putting it in the back of her bedside drawer. She wasn’t sure why she did it, but there it was incase everything became too much for her.

The first cut healed, just in time for the party, she told everyone that it had been an accident, they all equated it to Riley being her usual clumsy self. Then Farkle brought up the ticking clock, and the whole couples game threw her for a loop. Before going to the roof, she excused herself, telling everyone that she forgot her scarf in her room before rushing off. Grabbing the first aid kit from the bathroom on her way to her room she dug out the blade and gave herself a tiny cut, it looked like a paper cut, on her finger. Putting a band-aid on it and using the pain to anchor herself to the moment.

Grabbing Farkle she pulled him onto the roof, and told him to give her more time, but he wouldn’t budge, and just walked off with Smackle. She wanted to run but first she had to talk to Charlie, she was still a decent enough person, and she wanted him to know that she didn’t feel the same way that he did. She should have just left, she should have talked to Charlie at school and gone to her bedroom, instead she did the noble thing, and told him the truth, all the while watching as Maya and Lucas had their moment. The cut hadn’t dulled the pain enough, she needed to go back to her room. Just as she attempted to walk towards the door, Farkle spilled the beans, and told everyone they knew the truth about Riley’s feelings.

Except he had told them the whole truth, she loved Lucas. It wasn’t that she had liked Lucas, no Farkle had exposed everything without thinking of the implications of his words. Everyone ran off, he apologized and left, leaving Riley, Lucas and Maya sitting on the bench as the clock struck midnight and her world was once again flipped upside down. Lucas stayed quiet, Maya said nothing, and all Riley could feel was regret that they didn’t have their chance. Lucas shouldn’t be with her anymore, she was too broken, Maya would have been better for him.

They left, they went home, none of them talking about the elephant that had been dropped on top of them. Riley went to the bay window and sat there, turning off the lights so that no one knew that she was still awake. All she felt was more pain in her chest, she no longer had a heart, it didn’t matter what the pain was. She sat there every time it became too much, because she couldn’t cut herself all of the time, it would become too noticeable if all of the first aid supplies disappeared too suddenly.

Weeks went by with the truth hanging over them like the sword of Damocles, always there waiting for it to fall on them, they all ignored it and continued to go on with their lives. They worked on their school projects, they did their science experiments, Riley acted like she would normally, constantly trying to empower everyone. Except when she was at home, the pressure that had been building inside of her had started overflowing, she couldn’t hold it in anymore. She brought her own first aid kit, she hid it in her room, she even replaced the blade she had been using. No one noticed if she had more cuts than she usually did, it was cold out she could wear long sleeve shirt, her sweaters, she could hide them. It took the edge off it kept her feelings from overflowing.

One pain took away the others, that’s all that mattered, as long as she smiled at the right moments, and didn’t look at Lucas too much, everything else would be alright. It didn’t matter that he was lab partners with Maya, or that they were helping Maya with her home, or that Farkle had literally put Maya’s entire bedroom in his own room. As long as she could act like they remembered her acting, nothing else mattered. As long as they were all happy, she could hide her pain away, they didn’t need to know about what she was going through. She didn’t want to keep burdening them with her problems, even if somedays she just wanted to yell and scream at them for what she was going through.

Her problems didn’t matter as long as they were all smiling.

The day that she had wanted to change the bay window, months after New Year’s, had been one of the worse feelings to date. It was when she realized that maybe, just maybe her friendship with Maya was really broken, there was something heavy there. Maya didn’t want anything to change, which meant that she wanted to keep Riley’s room, and Riley herself the same as when they had first met, because it meant it was a safe space. The problem was that after everything had been change, after she had finished, and her room was more grown up, and everyone was gone, the one thing that hadn’t changed were the cuts on her skin. A lot of them had healed, there weren’t scars, she had been careful enough, but there were too many from days that she had cut too deep. The scars represented so much about what had changed in her friendship, not only with Maya, but with Lucas and Farkle as well. They could heal but sometimes the broken parts would always be there, visible for the world to see.

Yet no one had noticed at all, they just continued on with their lives as if the rifts didn’t exist, as if the pain wasn’t there. Then as graduation drew near, Lucas was once again in between her and Maya, asking the most important question. What about what he wanted? Though he only answered for the sake of saving their friendships, Riley knew that there was no coming back from back from where they found themselves. So, she acted one way with them, acting jealous when she had too, acting brave because they needed her too, being the Riley that used to exist in that space before yearbooks when everything changed.

They graduated, and everyone talked about the new school they were going too, they were excited, except Riley couldn’t handle it anymore. Too much was boiling over and she couldn’t control it. She was home alone for the first time in a long time, sitting in the living room with just the quiet and her breathing. It didn’t matter that she didn’t have music on or the television, no one was around for her to act around, she could just be quiet and feel like she didn’t exist.

Except Josh rushed into the apartment, a smile on his face, he was done with High School just like she was done with Middle School. New Beginnings all around, that’s what mattered, she put on a brave face and stood up for a hug, except Josh is very observant, he notices everything. Including her wearing a long sleeve shirt at the beginning of summer. He looked at her in horror, as he saw the scars on her skin, the fresh bandage on her arm, too close to a vein, that when everything flooded through her and she started crying in front of him. The floodgates had opened and she wasn’t sure if she could close them ever again. Josh pulled her into his arms, carrying her on her back to her bedroom before sitting her on her bed and holding her close, as he rubbed circles around her back. It felt the same as when her grandmother had taken care of her when she had been little, the summer her mother and father had gone for a second honeymoon. The summer Auggie had been conceived.

It was comfort, something she hadn’t really felt for a very long time, and she leaned into it and she cried until there weren’t any more tears. Until she was dry heaving as she tried to breathe but it felt like nothing was going in, and everything was being sucked out by an invincible force.

“Since when,” Josh asked once Riley had stopped crying. Once she was calm enough to look him in the face.

“Since just before new year’s,” she whispered to him, and all Josh could do was look at her with nothing but sadness in his eyes.

“You need to tell me everything, from the beginning Riley, because I want to help you so I want to know what could have caused all of this,” he said pulling her towards the bay window, the one place that started and ended everything in her life.

She started with the yearbooks and kept going until he knew every little detail of what had happened since she had last seen him the year before. It had felt like time had slowed down as she started talking, detailing everything that had been going on in her life. The whole thing with Lucas and Maya making him sad, because he knew like Riley did, that there was something weird about the timing, especially after her declaration to him just weeks before. She told him about how the first cut had been an accident, but for some reason it felt as if she had done it accidentally on purpose. She told him how she just wanted to dull away one pain just, so she could deal with everything else.

“I should have come here more often,” he said once she had finished telling him. “I feel so stupid for staying away, but the whole thing with Maya and school and I needed to save up, I was caught up in my own little world that I forgot that sometimes you need someone that’s not your friends or even my brother.”

“I’m sorry Josh,” she said to him feeling the panic rising up in her for bring up her own problems, she didn’t want anyone to have to deal with her, she wanted them to think she was fine even if she wasn’t. “I’m… so… sorry,” she continued hiccupping as the words came out.

Josh held onto her, “You shouldn’t be sorry for what has been happening, but I also don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here either.”

“What do you mean by that?” she looked at him wondering what he could have been thinking about, it was his last summer before college he shouldn’t have to worry about Riley and her problems, he should have the chance to go out and have some fun.

“How about you spend the summer with me and your grandparents in Philly,” it was more of a statement than a question. “Riley you need time, time away from all of this, time to heal, time to figure out where you want to be when you get to high school. You need to do something for you and not for everyone else.”

“But what about…” he cut her off before she could say anything else.

“You can’t keep thinking about other people, you need to think of yourself for once, please Riles, I don’t want to hear that you went too far one day,” he said and she felt like she had disappointed him, but she also knew that he was right, she needed to stand up on her own again, without the pressure of a love triangle, without people choosing your life for you.”

“Okay,” she said knowing that he was right, it was time for her to get the help she needed, it was time for her to step back from her own life with her friends and all of the drama and become Riley again. “Can I leave my phone here though?”

“That’s up to you, I’m not telling you to cut everyone out, but if that’s what you need to do, then right now it’s what you have to do.”

“No, it’s more… if I take it with me I would have a reason to run back here, to come back and fix everything, to tell them about all of it and… and I think that maybe, just maybe, I need to take everything and everyone out of the equation. I don’t want to lose them, I love them, but I’m afraid that if I have my phone nothing would really change at all and I’ll still be stuck.”

They talked a little longer, before Josh pulled out her suitcase and helped her pack things that she would need. He made sure to pack her lightest sweaters, because he knew her and he knew that she wouldn’t want her grandparents to worry about her. She just didn’t want them to see the scars on her arms, at least just until she was comfortable enough to let others in enough to understand what had been happening.

The closer the time came to when her parents were going to be home, the more jumpy she became, she didn’t want to have this conversation with them. Instead Josh had been the one to tell her to stay in her room and let him deal with it. Her now eighteen-year-old uncle was going to fight for her, something she hadn’t really had someone do for her in a very long time.

“Let me fight this battle for you Riley,” he said to her squeezing her shoulder, “For once let someone else help you, because for a long time now, no one has.”

When the door swung open twenty minutes later, she hadn’t finished packing everything, they had gotten thirsty and had gone down for drinks. Riley jumped when the door had hit the wall as her parents talked at the door about their day, not really seeing as their daughter was hiding behind her uncle as if she had done something wrong. Even though she hadn’t done anything at all that would cause her parents to notice. They hadn’t noticed anything to this point, so why would they have noticed if anything had been different.

Riley stood there stock still, as her parents were surprised by Josh being there without them knowing.

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” he had said as her father hugged his brother. “But I think I should have been here all along,” he continued not hugging back, but making sure that Riley was behind him. She didn’t want to be the reason they fought, she didn’t want to cause anyone any pain. But she knew she couldn’t hide it anymore, not since Josh found her and saw the scars, saw what everyone had missed all along.

“You should always be here, your family,” her mother said with a smile as she put her suitcase on the dining room table. Walking over to the stove before setting pots and pans, always getting ready to do something else, to care for her family. Except when she missed the biggest problem happening in Riley’s life, most of the time pushing Riley aside to someone else, or for someone else.

“No,” Josh said interrupting anything else that her parents could have said. “I mean, I should have been here for Riley, because she needed someone, and no one really saw what was happening, you guys were too blind to it,” his voice started rising, and it just made Riley pull on the sleeves of her shirt. “I love you guys but you’re so freaking blind to your own daughter, with your life lessons and you paying attention to everyone but her. I can’t believe you let her friends deal with her bullying problem instead of handling it yourselves, I can’t believe you would let her fall so far down this pit of despair without realizing it was happening, I don’t understand how you could be so fucking blind to the girl brought into this world, the girl you raised.”

Riley flinched at Josh’s harsh words, she had never heard him curse, at least not to her parents, but this was something different. He was being there for her, just like he’s always been there, because Josh was so close in age that he noticed a lot more things than her parents ever had.

“Josh don’t talk like that, you don’t know what’s been happening over the last few months, Lucas and Maya,” her mother started but Josh huffed out at her.

“Lucas and Maya, more like everyone in school, dictating how everyone should feel because it’s better to live through other people’s pain than their own, tell me Topanga, what do you actually know about what started all of this? Huh? Do you even understand why Maya all of a sudden started liking Lucas, telling Riley they were siblings, even though I know for a fact that the way Lucas looked at Riley was the same as the way I had been told about the great romance of Cory and Topanga, but of course life and other people get in the way of everything, they corrupt other people’s thoughts and in the end how many people had to suffer through all of this?”

“No one suffered, they’re kids, they’re still figuring this all out, it’s only middle school Josh,” her father said as if it were normal, but it wasn’t, and she saw how Josh’s hand trembled a little, he didn’t want to reveal anything, but she knew he would have to and it was going to hurt them all.

“Yeah Cory, no one suffered alright, except you let a bunch of middle schoolers go off to Texas on some hair brained quest, and what came back was a shell of your own kid, something you didn’t even notice, You shouldn’t have let her go to Texas in the first place without an adult there,” Josh had said before rushing off Riley to her room to help her finish packing.

He hadn’t told them a thing, her secrets were safe at least for now, but it didn’t take long until her father stormed into her room, seeing the mess of clothes on her bed, the suitcase near the edge, as her things were slowly put in as carefully as possible. On her dresser, she hadn’t realized that Josh had not only pulled out her first aid kit, but all of the blades she had had stored for when things had gotten to be too much. She always took a new one, making sure to never use the same one twice. The old ones, the one stained in her blood, stored in a small container, she had meant to throw them away, but they had become reminders of her deeds, of her misgivings, of her pain.

Her father saw them on the dresser, his eyes wide before looking at Riley in her long sleeve shirt, as he put everything together in his head. His hands shaking as he walked over and gently grabbed her arm before pulling the sleeve up and seeing what everyone had missed for so long. Instead of saying anything he pulled her close, and started crying, which only made her start crying with him.

“I’m sorry daddy,” she whispered, but neither said another word after that, her mother walking in and seeing the scene before she realized just what had been happening.

They had let it get out of control, they hadn’t paid enough attention, they had missed all of the signs, even though they were there every day. They were too busy, too involved in the lives of her friends, too involved in their own world, that they forgot about their daughter’s world. They had thought that she was alright, but in reality, they had missed so much more than they could ever make up for.

\------ 

So, that summer Riley spent it healing herself, by gardening with her grandmother, working with her grandfather, hanging out with Josh, and talking to Mr. Feeny. Auggie stayed close, he knew something was different, but he was too young to truly understand the severity of it. She didn’t talk to Maya, Farkle, Lucas, Zay, or Smackle. She didn’t know what was happening with her friends, because she needed to think of herself more than to think about them. Her mother asked Katy Hart to keep an eye on the café, she couldn’t be there for a while, only telling her the bare minimum about what was happening and asking for privacy. Riley’s mom didn’t want anyone to tell Riley’s secret, at least not until she was ready to say it herself. It wasn’t her secret to tell, it was Riley’s, and for that Riley was grateful. She wasn’t sure if she wanted anyone to know just yet, she needed to understand her own situation and her own feelings before letting anyone else in.

The Matthews weren’t seen much during that summer, spending most of it in Philadelphia, Riley’s parents worked from home or went back to the city if they had to do something important that they couldn’t get out of. They all had to heal, but mostly they had to help Riley get back to her center. Her mother worked on getting her into a therapy program, while her father gave her empty journals to fill. She wrote one for each of her friends, they were small little journals, and they would probably never be able to read them, they were too personal. Maya and Lucas’s were the longest, and the hardest to write, but she poured everything into them, tears staining the pages as she did so.

They weren’t filled with empty promises, only with the truth, the hurt, and the real pain she had felt for the last year of their lives in middle school. Maybe one day they would see them, but it was still too fresh to think about any of it, so she put them in a box Josh had given her and buried them in her suitcase. The last of the journals she wrote about herself, her life, and what she wanted from the future. One was filled with self-doubts, and the itch she sometimes had to grab a blade and cut into her skin. On those days Josh found her hiding in the closet, in her Aunt Morgan’s old bedroom where she had been staying. He would give her time, sitting there waiting for her, before helping her downstairs and giving her ice cream for not giving into temptation. Those days were both good and bad, but Josh was making sure that she had a support system in place, so that she would know that if she needed anybody, they were there for her.

“Just remember Riley, that even though everything seems bad, or falling apart, the future will get better, and maybe what comes next will be better than what was left behind,” Josh had told her, he was trying, he was still very much a kid himself, but he was trying to help her because to Josh, Riley was more than his niece, she was his first real friend, his little sister, and his confidant, and she knew that he felt guilty for not protecting her enough from all of this.

At the end of the summer, her parents found a program for her to start, with a therapist who would work with Riley through all of her problems. The first step was for her to enter a program for a month, that would keep her away from everyone while she learned more about herself. She would just miss a few weeks of school, and her father’s new job at her high school would give him the opportunity for her to keep up with the work.

On their first day back in the city, Riley did something that was harder for her than anything, she took apart the bay window, leaving it bare of anything that was normally there. The pillows and curtains were taken down, leaving nothing but the white cushion and a dark curtain in front of it. At the center, where she normally sat with Maya, she placed her ring, in hopes that Maya would see it and know that Riley was thinking of her. Riley had to be at her therapy program the next day, so once again she couldn’t talk to her friends, and for a while she felt a little guilty about it, but she knew that she needed to put herself first and everyone else second. At least for now, while she worked on herself.

Before dinner, with Josh’s help, Riley went to a salon and cut her normally long hair, it was going to be the first step towards changing her life. They went to a place close to his dorm and had the stylist braid her hair before cutting it all off. Josh placing it in an envelope, they were going to donate it, while Riley was getting the finishing touches on her new short bob haircut. It made her feel just a little lighter, her parents were surprised by her choice, but they ruffled her hair and it made her laugh. A real laugh and not the fake ones that she had been giving people over the last year.

The next morning Riley was off on her own, away from her family, away from everyone she knew. The month would be hard on her, harder than the notebooks she had written for her friends, harder than Josh finding out, or the fight that he had had with her parents about it. When she got back, she would have therapy sessions twice a week, along with group therapy twice a month, and family therapy once a month. Her mother set it all up mainly because they wanted to make sure that she was doing alright, but they always went out to dinner right after smiling at her progress.

The hardest moment in those first few months happened right before her first day in High School, when her dad pulled her aside and told her that Farkle and Smackle had gone to Einstein Academy, that Maya had asked to be taken out of his class, how Zay had to keep putting himself between Lucas and every aggressive bully in the school. Riley knew they were the ripple effects of what had happened, of what she had done to herself.

“Don’t worry about them for now,” he told her as she started shaking and blaming herself for causing her friends to pull themselves away from each other. “It’s not your fault Riley, remember that, you have to worry about yourself for now, remember what you learned from you therapist.”

They did some breathing exercises together, her father making sure that she calmed down enough so that she could sit with them in the living room to watch a movie. It’s what they did when she started shaking, just to calm her down, but it was also good for family bonding. They were going to watch Spy Kids, because Auggie hadn’t seen it yet and he still wanted to be a super spy. Even though he had told her sorry for not being a good enough spy and helping her, but she had told him at he was too young to truly understand everything, but she still loved him and if he needed to spy on her to train, she would allow it.

That first day back was strange, she didn’t have her friends and she didn’t recognize anyone, she was truly alone, but for some reason the pressure to fulfill everyone’s wishes wasn’t there. It was a new start, and while she was sure that it would take a while before she could talk to her friends, when it did happen, she was sure that they would understand that she needed to do it for herself.

She saw Maya a few times, as she walked to class, her best friend was smiling, she was in clubs, it was weird to not be standing next to her, but she always made she to go to all of Maya’s performances, her exhibits. Always close enough to see her, but far enough away to give her some space. Riley realized that she wasn’t really ready to tell anyone, but it was nice to see Maya being so happy even if it wasn’t with her standing beside her.

Zay for some reason she rarely saw, but she could always hear him, she was happy that he was doing so well, but worried when she never heard Lucas with him, they were always together growing up according to the two of them, so it was strange if Lucas wasn’t around him for long. But on the off day, when she was walking around, she could see Zay laughing with some other guys, or talking to a girl or two. She wished that she had gotten to know him better before the whole yearbook thing had happened, but it felt like it was too late to have that with him.

It took a three month before the first encounter happened, and it was a surprise that it had happened. After nearly six months without talking to any one of them, she saw Lucas getting into a fist fight with a football player who was taller and bulkier than he was, but Lucas kept pushing the guy and she was afraid that Lucas would get hurt because of it. She pushed her way pass the people crowding around the two guys and grabbed Lucas’s arm. Lucas pulled away turning his anger towards her before his eyes widened at the sight of who was standing in front of him. He didn’t say a word, but she could see so much emotion in his eyes just from seeing her for the first time.

“Keep an eye on him, next time I won’t hold back,” the football player said before storming off in the other direction, everyone else not far behind, leaving Lucas standing an arm's length from her. She could tell that he wanted to reach out, but he held back, he had been angry just moments before, and now he looked like he wasn’t sure what to do.

“Hey,” he said, his voice rough like he had been yelling for too long. This wasn’t the same Lucas she remembered from before... well before everything, this Lucas had gone through a lot in the last few months.

“Hi,” she said, her voice squeaked as it came out, before reaching out for him, trying to find a way to keep him calm in the same way that her parents, or Josh or her therapist did.

“Hey,” he said completing their little ritual, the same one they’ve been doing since that fateful day on the subway in seventh grade. It felt like everything was going around in circles, meaning that at one point she would once again see all of her friends together again. It was just going to take some time to get there.

She pulled him down the hall, towards a little alcove she had found when she had had a panic attack her second week back. The feeling of too many people, and the visible scars, though always hidden. It felt like she was being judged, but no one really knew her, so it was impossible for them to judge her at all. That’s where her father had found her after she had frantically texted him that she couldn’t be there, that she had wanted to go home. He had calmed her down and told her that it was alright to feel overwhelmed with everything that had been happening.

“One step at a time Riley,” he had said before helping her with her breathing.

Now she was bringing Lucas there, because she hadn’t realized just what she had left behind, or how broken the boy she loved look. Hope in his eyes as she held onto him, as if she were a ghost leading him to his end, and that scared her the most. She wasn’t the only one who had been broken up about what had happened in the time since Texas, but she wasn’t going to tell him about everything, she wasn’t ready for that yet. She just wanted him to be okay.

“Where have you been?” he asked once they had been sitting there for twenty minutes without another word, just holding each other’s hands. It was comforting, she knew this, just to have someone else there with them when the bad moments happened. “Riley where did you go,” his voice rough, as if the flood gates had opened and every emotion, he had been holding in was ready to come rushing out.

Before she could answer he grabbed her and pulled her into his arms, his shoulders shaking as he hugged her close, as if he could lose her if he let go. A string had been cut when she had left, and Lucas had lost so much in that time, she could feel it as he cried on her shoulder. Neither said a word, even as she began to cry in his arms, they needed this moment, it was a moment for them to heal over what had happened.

They left school early that day, Riley taking Lucas with her to her afternoon therapy session, she had sent a message to the doctor’s office telling them that she was bringing a guest. It was the first time she was bringing someone to the sessions she did on her own, but she knew that it had to be done this way, so that Lucas would understand all of it. Even though she had written a notebook’s worth of confessions to him, she wasn’t ready for him to read it.

“Hello Riley,” her therapist, who always reminded her of her grandmother in the way she smiled and comforted her, welcomed them to the room. “And who is this young man.”

“Marianne, this is Lucas,” she answered, smiling back. “Lucas this is Marianne, my therapist.”

She hadn’t told him where they were headed and when the word therapist came out of her mouth, she saw how his eyes widened, as if somethings were clicking into place.

“It’s good to meet you ma’am,” he said as his manners showed, which made her smile, this was the Lucas she remembered, not the one who was fighting in the halls of their school not too long ago.

“So, Riley wants you to be here, because she wants you to understand what she’s been going through in the last few months,” Marianne said as she sat them down. “This is the first time she has brought someone here, so you must be truly special to her if she’s willing to tell you these things.”

“I don’t really know what’s been going on with her,” he said as they sat down together, “All I know is that I feel like a piece of me has been missing since she left, and for some reason I lash out at everyone.”

“Do you want to tell when it all started?”

“The week after she left, I lost control of myself, I couldn’t understand why she was gone all of a sudden and everyone I asked just said that she couldn’t be there, and I felt responsible because Riley had been very close to all of us, but it felt as if she had just disappeared and I had been fighting with myself over something so stupid,” he held his head in his hands as the tears began once again, “Because... because I was put in a position, I had never wanted to be in... but I felt responsible for everything because they all wanted me to make a decision over something, I had never wanted... but so much had happened and I thought I had lost everything.”

“It has to do with my best friend,” Riley said as understanding dawned on Marianne’s face.

“Can you tell me what happened after Riley left, did it make you feel any different towards Riley’s friend, or even yourself?”

“I realized that in losing Riley I was losing myself, I tried to do what she wanted, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t, I don’t know why we even listened to everyone else’s opinion, if we had just ignored them it wouldn’t have come to me picking between them.”

“But what happened after she was gone?” Marianne was trying to get Lucas to tell her what Riley had always wondered, what happened in the months after, during the summer, when she was too far for them to reach. When she was fighting the urge to cut into her skin, her darkest moments, the ones she still fought against.

“I went into my parents’ liquor cabinet and took out one of the whiskey bottles that my grandfather usually sends them, but they never drink,” he said making Riley turn her head so fast she swore she heard a crack. She wanted to say something to him, anything but she couldn’t, she didn’t know how to start. “Our other friends came over an hour later and found me with the bottle swaying around… I don’t remember a lot, the only thing I remember from that day was wishing that I hadn’t let Riley go, that I should have manned up and done what I was going to do, but there had been so much pressure, and then we went to Texas and everything got so messed up.”

“I’m sorry,” Riley whispered, she knew that she shouldn’t be, it had been one of the worse memories that she had carried around.

“No, I’m sorry Riley, I don’t know why I had started losing hope during the trip, you wouldn’t look at me the same, you kept pushing and pushing, I felt like I was losing myself to who I had been because you anchored me into a new life and then you were gone. That’s not the kind of pressure I should have put on you, but I was falling for you and I would have done anything, I would have conquered the world for you and then you left without a word and I realized that trying the way I had been, wasn’t what I had wanted when all I wanted was just to stand beside you.”

He had turned to her while he had talked, in his eyes she had seen something that she had never seen before, or she hadn’t paid enough attention to understand it. He cared for her, more than he cared for anyone else, she just hadn’t let him back in after Texas, she had been afraid of letting anyone in at all after Farkle’s announcement.

Marianne, talked to both of them about the dangers of drinking, she talked to them about being more open and communicating, but she had also recommended that Lucas would join Riley during one of her weekly sessions. She wanted to help them, but she later on she would also tell Riley that it was because she wanted to be there when Lucas finally learned the truth about what Riley had been going through, because the moment he did he would fall apart. She had seen it before, in couples who couldn’t protect each other, and it would take a long time for them to get passed the hurt of what Riley had hidden.

“Riley,” she had said before the session had ended. “Do you want to tell Lucas why you left?”

Riley could feel her hands shaking, she knew she didn’t have to tell him everything, not yet, she needed to work up to that, but since he shared something about his struggle, she wanted to give him the same courtesy.

“I was… overwhelmed,” she started, but she couldn’t look him in the eyes just yet. She needed to keep herself together over everything. “I…. I um…. I let everything that everyone said during the yearbooks get to me, and everything that Maya said, and then the bully happened, and I had started to think that maybe I didn’t deserve anything good.”

“No Riley,” he started but she finally took a chance and looked at him.

“I give up so much of myself for everyone else, but I found out that while I can’t hide somethings, I’m very good at hiding others. So, I got depressed over all of it, and then…” she started taking deep breaths, the panic rising, the urge to break into her skin. “And… and then when we were in Texas, and the whole thing with Maya, I pushed you guys together because I would give that up too if it meant that someone I cared about would be happy.”

She found herself rubbing her arms, Marianne knew it as one of the signs that Riley was pushing herself too hard, and usually she would stop but Riley continued, “I saw you and Maya at the campfire that night.”

Lucas’s eyes widened at the confession, everyone had thought that she had only found out after they had gotten back, “Riley, nothing really happened.”

“I know that, Maya told me what had happened, but that night that wasn’t what it had felt like, and I realized just how much I had given up, and how quickly everyone else’s thoughts had come to me. I thought that they were all right, that you guys belonged together, but that night seeing it for myself, it hurt so much, and I ran, I ran so far and I cried in the field behind your grandfather’s house, because I had lost something and all I could feel was the pain of it.”

They were silent after that, Marianne bringing them water and cookies, wanting them to be calm, this was heavy, even for Riley to say out loud. Her parents only knew enough of what had happened, and only Josh knew the whole truth. Now Lucas knew a little bit more than he had when everything had been revealed.

So, they went back every week, together, some weeks Lucas talked about things that he had gone through, he talked about his life before moving to New York, his life in Texas, he talked about the empty feeling he had because Riley wasn’t around. She told him about her depression, about how she hid her true feelings, how everything had just hurt, causing panic attacks when she was too overwhelmed. She didn’t tell him about the cuts on her skin, those hidden by her sweaters. It was still cold out, so he wouldn’t question anything, but she worried about the summer months.

After every session, they would go back to her place, and watch a random action movie, they went through all of the Die-Hard movies after a particularly bad session, because Riley had had a panic attack after talking about how she missed Maya and Farkle. The movies were more about bonding, they were things that they could watch with her dad, or Josh when he was over for dinner. Lucas was always nearby, and for some reason her father was more grateful for it, and she knew that it had to do with the fact that Lucas was in a way anchoring her to the life she had now. He was also one of the reasons she had to live and keep going and she wasn’t going to lose that.

They didn’t start dating again, not right away, they just hung out and talked, it felt natural to have him in her ear late at night when the nightmares became too much. Or when he felt himself slipping and needed someone to talk to before he got into another fight with some random person at school. They wanted those slow moments, the ones that meant that they could just talk, the moments they had as an unofficial couple. For now, Riley was glad for them, it took the pressure off of the both of them to be something more, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready for something more, not when she was still working on putting the pieces back together.

The next piece of the puzzle came weeks after their first therapy session together, after one too many action movies, and more Knicks games than she could count. They were learning each other again, but one person added a little more fun to the mix. That was Zay, who Riley never really got to know during the time when everything for her had been falling to pieces. But it meant a lot for Lucas to have him back, it meant that two parts of his life were being brought together. So, while they didn’t share a lot of what they talked about in therapy with Zay, he did join them for movie nights, or bookstore outings, low maintenance things where Riley wouldn’t feel too much pressure about what was happening.

For Zay it meant getting reacquainted with his childhood friend, bringing back a little bit of the Lucas that had gone off the deep end right after Riley had left. On one of those days, before Lucas had made it to her house, Zay sat with her in the living room as they waited.

“He was a real mess,” he had told Riley about Lucas. “I mean when he was in Texas he was just protecting me, but without you there he fell apart. I’ve never seen him like that not even when his grandmother had passed away.”

She wanted to say that she was sorry, but she knew that she couldn’t keep apologizing for trying to get better, so instead she told Zay the truth, he was the second person outside of her family to know. She told him about having to take care of herself for once, about having to step back from her own life just to find a middle ground.

“I understand,” he said after she had finished. “I talked to Farkle, I still do, we had been working on Lucas, but we couldn’t keep up with his self-destructiveness, but Farkle had mentioned something, and I’m guessing that Lucas doesn’t know about it, and sugar it’s not my place, and I probably shouldn’t know either. Just remember, if you need me, I’ll be there for you, for the both of you.”

She hadn’t known that Farkle had noticed, it felt as if he had run from her the fastest, she hadn’t seen since she got back, and now she wasn’t sure what he had known before she had left at the end of the middle school. Zay had brought everything back to putting together her friends, they were all as close to family as her own, and she needed them as much as they needed her. Even if they had hurt each other.

It had been nearly a year since Josh had stepped in and helped her, and it had taken that long for Farkle to come back into her life. It had started slowly, with emails, as she told him that she was getting better, but she also told him that she missed him. It would take Farkle two weeks to get the courage to see her again, the summer sun blaring down on them as they sat on the bench that was on the roof. The turning point in her life had been on that roof, so it was fitting that something would be mended there as well.

“I saw one of those cuts, and I hated myself for not noticing,” he had said after they had sat there for over two hours without talking. “You wear long sleeves even now in this heat, and I hate myself even more because I hadn’t noticed how hurt you were.”

“I had gotten really good at hiding things Farkle,” she told him, her voice a little rough as she held back tears.

“Yes you did, and I wish you hadn’t had to live through it at all, but in the end I ran because I didn’t know what to do, I ran because honestly while I act brave, I think I’m a coward, I couldn’t handle it, I just wanted you to be that same smiling happy girl I grew up with, the one I wanted to be with as one of my wives, the one I see as a sister, but that girl is gone, and there was nothing we could have done to stop that.”

“There was a lot of things happening at the time Farkle, it was out of your control, hell it was out of my control, I think that sometimes we need to fully break before we can piece ourselves back together, and even then, the cracks will always be there.”

“There had been too many cracks in the foundation, and I think when everything came to a head, it was meant to happen that way.”

Neither said anything after that, as they watched the sun caress the buildings, turning everything into an orange glow. It was summer, the second since all of this had happened. A year since the last time she cut into her skin, the feeling still there, itching to reach for a blade, but she had people who kept her from doing so, a support system for when it became too much to think about.

“What about Maya?” he had said once night had finally taken over.

And there it was the elephant in the room, what would she do about her best friend, the one person who didn’t know a thing. She wasn’t ready for that just yet, and it hurt, not only because she was hurting Maya, but because she wasn’t sure how she would be able to mend everything that had broken if Maya wouldn’t speak to her again. Each of them held a piece to her heart, the one that had shattered completely, Maya and Lucas had bigger parts in there, but it was the fact that Maya played along with everything. The fact that Maya became a bigger part of a story that was supposed to be Riley’s, they were only supposed to be there and help when things got too bad, or to talk about the good. That’s what friends were for. But what happened with Maya, with the school, with Lucas especially, was still a big part of what had caused her to fall so far off the edge she wasn’t sure if she could deal with Maya rejecting her.

“I’m going to wait, I need to wait until she’s ready to hear about it, until I’m ready to tell her about it,” she said more to herself than to Farkle. Therapy was still an uphill battle for her, so she needed to wait for the moment where she was on level with herself, until she had pieced enough of herself back together for everything to feel somewhat normal again and not this emotional seesaw she lived on. “It may sound selfish of me, but it’s also because every time I see her, she looks so happy, and I don’t want to take that away from her.”

“I understand, maybe you and I can talk more, so that we can find our own balance,” he said and all she could do was hug him.

“I would really like that,” she said finally letting the tears fall.

Lucas was there for her right after her conversation with Farkle, making sure that she was alright, and that nothing had triggered an episode. He put on the Mummy movie from the 90s’ and they added it to the list of movies that they had been watching. Farkle and Zay staying with them while they watched, laughing at the funny moments, and joking about effects and other things with them.

Everything was falling into place for her recovery, she spent the summer with her Uncle Josh and Lucas alternating between going to Philly, or staying in the city. She talked to Farkle regularly, even when Farkle was still too ashamed about his reaction to what had happened. Smackle hadn’t known about what had happened even started coming around. All that was missing was Maya, but it was still hard for her to find a way to talk to her best friend. So much had been hidden from her, but a lot of it had also been partly caused by what had happened in Texas, and Riley was mostly afraid that if she told Maya everything that it would end their friendship.

There were weeks where she would see the blonde rushing around, or working on something for one of the clubs she was in, and all Riley could do was pace back and forth trying to find the courage to talk to her. Someone she had had no problem talking to in the past, at least before peer pressure, bullies, and even boys came into the picture. Now it was just difficult to even think about everything that had gotten in between them. Eighteen months had passed, and while she knew she was better than she had been in middle school, it was still an uphill battle, but she wanted her best friend there with her.

It was on her birthday when she pushed herself to go and see Maya, she had heard that the school was putting on a play, Romeo and Juliet of all things, and Maya had been in charge of the sets. This made Riley so proud of her best friend, she was good at some many things, and Riley wanted to support her, but she also missed her. Lucas had been trying to push her into finding a way to talk to Maya, he himself still feeling guilty over everything that had happened. It was something they talked about in therapy, and while he still didn’t know about the cuts on her arms, he was still working on them, on himself, and just being better.

So, on her birthday, she stood outside the school’s auditorium and paced relentlessly, trying to gather the courage to go and see Maya. Wondering how the blonde would react to seeing her face to face for the first time in eighteen months. Just when she reached for the door, paramedics rushed in, and Riley was so scared about what was happening she rushed in after them, only to see Maya on the ground and a part of the set down next to her. Riley felt herself freeze, as if she had been the one to cause the accident just by waiting, that if she had just stepped in earlier this wouldn’t have happened to Maya. It caused her to have a panic attack, rushing off towards her the little alcove the she had shown Lucas the year before. She tried to breathe but it had felt like everything was going out and nothing was going in.

That’s how Lucas had found her, he worked with Marianne enough when it came to Riley, that he knew what to do when she had an attack. Slowly calming her down, making sure to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, he had known what had happened to Maya, he had known about the accident, but for Riley she had still felt guilty about it. Lucas had taken her home on his back, she had passed out on the way too worried about Maya, scared that she had lost her chance to reconcile with her best friend.

When she had woken up, she texted Farkle to tell him what had happened, also telling him that the timing hadn’t been right to talk to Maya and the genius had said that he would go and see the blonde once visiting hours started, telling Riley to take it easy. Farkle knew her triggers as much as Lucas did, because while she didn’t talk to him as much, he was still one of her closest friends. He had been watching her more closely since they started talking again, because he didn’t want to miss the signs. Farkle had told her, a month after they had started talking again, that he had been studying psychology, and a million other things just so he could be there when she needed him. She had told him that all she needed were her friends, she already had a therapist.

It wasn’t until days later, when she had heard her mother and Maya walking up the stairs, and the conversation that followed meant that they could try to get to where they had been, it was just going to take time, like everything else in Riley’s life since she had started down this journey. Maya had started coming over more, it was still kind of awkward with them, but after the third visit, the two of them worked on putting the bay window back together. Everything started and ended at that window, and they wanted it there for what would come next in their lives.

For Maya, Riley had realized, missing so much of what had happened caused her more pain than anything. The two of them had to work through a lot of what had happened, having a group therapy session together once a month with all of their friends. It was after one of these sessions, where it had come out to Lucas that Riley had been cutting herself, he had been the only one who hadn’t known, and the first thing he had done was walk out of the room and punched a wall breaking two of his fingers and spraining his wrist.

“I blame myself for all of this,” she heard him say to Farkle as the doctor wrapped his hand. “I shouldn’t have listened to her back in Texas, I shouldn’t have done anything with Maya, I should have just gotten up and followed her right after she said what she said.”

“Lucas,” Farkle started but she knew that Lucas had cut him off.

“I don’t want to lose her,” Lucas’s voice breaking as he said it. “I was in so much pain during that time, the only ray of hope I had was when you told us the truth, but she kept pushing Maya at me, and no matter what all I could think was that I don’t want them to stop being friends because of me, but while all of this was happening... while... oh god, Farkle she could have died and I don’t know what I would have done if she had.”

She could hear Lucas crying, and it took everything she had to not rush in there and apologize for everything, but she knew that being sorry for something isn’t the same as getting pass that same thing. The time for sorrys had passed, they had talked about so much regarding everything else, and Marianne had told the both of them that saying sorry wasn’t going to change the past, it was the way they moved ahead that would matter the most. So, she waited until the doctor left to get his discharge papers, Farkle behind him, because she wanted to talk to him without anyone else around.

What she saw when she walked in was a broken look in Lucas’s eyes, like he had failed at protecting what was most precious. They were teenagers, they shouldn’t have these feelings, but they existed, and she wanted to let him know that she was better, she wasn’t whole, but him being there, all of them made it all better. Instead she sat down next to his uninjured side and took his hand in hers, putting her head on his shoulder. It had become a form of communication for them, for the moments when one of them was close to breaking, for them to just comfort the other until they were ready to move forward and talk.

Lucas’s parents got him out of the hospital, they asked the questions of why it had happened, even though Marianne had been the one to call them. But they wanted Lucas to tell him, but he only said that it wasn’t his story to tell, he had just reacted badly to the news. They knew he was working on himself, they commended him constantly for working hard, he volunteered with Riley, he joined the baseball and the basketball teams, Riley always cheering him on in the stands. She wrote when he was at practice, finding the words on the page soothing, most of the journals filled and put in a box in her closet, the box filled to the brim, but she kept writing.

Somehow it became that they anchored one another to the rest of the world, and at first, she had thought that it was unhealthy for how much she relied on him, but Marianne told her not to worry. They had a support system, they had friends and family who cared, and most of all they had each other. She had asked Riley once, during the now rare sessions she had alone with her therapist, why it was that she hadn’t moved into an official relationship just yet with Lucas, and Riley answered that they were waiting for the right moment. No pressure from others, just when they were finally comfortable being together without everyone hounding them over certain aspects of their relationship.

Now as she sat with him, hours later, they still hadn’t said a word to one another, but he had calmed down, and held her hand close to his heart. “Please don’t do anything like that,” he whispered, tears in his eyes. “I can’t lose you, so please.” he didn’t finish as his chest started shaking and his heart began to race.

Riley sat in his lap, something she hadn’t done in a very long time, and held his head close to her heart, “As long as this keeps beating, and you guys all keep me centered, I think I can keep going.” and she knew she could, because she had people who cared for her, and made sure that she was happy, and on days when she was fighting with herself, they were always there to bring her back and help her.

They didn’t move from that position, not even when Zay came in telling them dinner was ready, they stayed like that. It wasn’t until hours later, after they had both fallen asleep in each other's arms, that someone had moved them so that they would be laying down. Riley woke up when her father tried to move her to her own bed, but she was too big for him to carry anymore. Her friends long gone, and Lucas still passed out cold on the couch, her mother covering him with a blanket.

“You two can talk in the morning,” she said before ushering Riley to her room, while her father rubbed his back.

“I’m too old to carry my own daughter to her room,” he said as they walked to their own room, which made Riley laugh. It felt good to laugh about something, because it meant that there were things in this world that would keep her spirits up.

Riley had woken up the next morning, at crack of dawn, as Maya snuck in through the window, something that she hadn’t done even in the time they’ve been speaking again. She jumped on the bed, making Riley bounce up, before landing on top of her. Slowly everything was falling back to where it had once been, it was a strange feeling to have some kind of normalcy after everything else that had happened. Somehow the only two that still were broken in some way were Riley and Lucas, but she was working on herself in the same way he was working on himself.

“So, you fell asleep on Ranger Rick yesterday,” Maya said, calling Lucas a name for the first time since they all came back together. For some reason the name calling would have hurt more if the triangle had still been going on, but it didn’t hurt anymore.

“We were just comforting each other, it’s not the first time it happened,” she answered blushing a little, “Well actually me on his lap hasn’t happened in a while but usually I’m just leaning on him or he has his head on my lap.”

“Riles, honey, you and Lucas are dating if this is a normal thing, hell the way he looks at you most of the time it’s like he’s so proud of you for getting better... um well until yesterday,” Maya said reminding Riley of what had happened. “You broke him a little, but he’ll probably go back to looking at you like you hung the moon just for him in a day or so.”

“Oh please, we promised each other just unofficial things, we want to take it slow,” she said trying not to think of all of the time they usually spent together. “We don’t even go on dates.”

“Sweetie, pay attention to me,” Maya said grabbing Riley’s face. “This may hurt a little to say, but that boy never looked at me that way, not in the short amount of time that I tried to get his attention. But in the last few weeks I’ve been watching you both, and honey I hate to say it like this, but you two love each other like something fierce.”

Riley could feel her face heat up just from listening to Maya say those things, she knew that she loved Lucas, but she wasn’t sure just how deep it all was. Usually she would panic if someone would have said something like that to her, she was afraid of going too fast too soon, but it wasn’t too fast, it had been building up for the last year. Marianne always made sure that they talked to one another, but love had never been on the table.

“Are you sure about that?” Riley asked, she needed to know, or at least hear it again to gage her own reaction.

“I’m positive,” Maya said before letting go of Riley’s face. “Hon, I think it’s time for you guys to become official, I mean the guy broke his own hand because he was afraid that he didn’t protect you enough from the bad things. He cares, hell I’ve seen him make sure you have a hat and scarf in your locker, and when you’re not paying too much attention to your surroundings he makes sure that you don’t trip on something or walk into someone. But this one thing that you kept from him shattered him so quickly that he had needed to react.”

“Texas Lucas,” Riley said looking down at the scars on her arms. Maya looked down too, it had been the first time that Riley had had a short sleeve shirt on in a long time, and she could see Maya’s own reaction to seeing Riley’s scars for the first time. “Lucas was getting into fights when I had gotten back, fights with football players who could probably kill him with their fists, I sometimes wonder if he’s alright the way he reverted back to that part of himself, but now he’s better.”

Without thinking Riley had started scratching at her arms, it was something she did when she wanted to feel something, when she wanted to cut into her skin. Maya grabbed her hands and held them still.

“It’s not your fault Riles, it’s mine and it’s probably the fault of our classmates, Lucas too, it’s probably why he started lashing out, that summer I hadn’t seen anyone, I should have known something was wrong but I was too caught in my own head to put two and two together, and lately I hate myself for it, but you keep telling me that the past is the past, and it’s the same for Lucas, he’s not fighting anymore, he should probably buy a punching bag because hitting walls is going to end up costing him his fingers, but we’re all getting better at this, it’s just going to take some time for it to be like it used to be.”

“That’s the thing, it’s never going to be like it was, I know this Maya, I just want for everyone to be happy again, I just want to be happy all of the time, but the urges come and go, I can’t deal with people too well anymore, it’s like I’ve lost a part of myself and it’s never coming back.”

Maya pulled her into a hug running her hands up and down Riley’s back, “I know, but maybe what comes next will be better than what we left behind.”

Someone had said the same thing to Riley a long time ago, it had been Josh, during that first summer in Philly, the one where she was just trying to find her footing in a world where she broke down easily, they weren’t the same words, but it had the same meaning, and Riley knew that everything would be better again. It might not happen overnight, but it would happen eventually.

“You’ve got room for another person?” Lucas’s voice came from the door. Riley nodded at him, his hand wrapped up so tight in bandages, it was a version of his guilt there, and she hoped that it wouldn’t ruin his place on the school teams he was on.

Riley watched him as he looked down and saw the scars on her arms, she felt weirdly self-conscience about having them out on display, but she couldn’t hide them anymore. They were real, and hiding them also meant hiding what had happened, and she knew that if she wanted to move forward, she could keep herself hidden away anymore.

“I’ll just let you two kids talk,” Maya said smiling at them before leaving the room, most likely to get something to eat or drink while they talked.

Lucas sat at the edge of her bed, close enough to touch her hands but far enough away that if her father walked in, he wouldn’t freak out, because while he had been okay with her and Lucas being together, he had still drawn some lines on somethings. Lucas rubbed his hand along the scar closest to her wrist, the one that Josh had seen that pushed him to do something, the one that had been too deep and hadn’t healed right, it had an ugly scar and it had been the one she was the most ashamed of.

“I’m sorry,” he said before lifting her arm and kissing the scar as if it would make it go away. His body trembling as he fell forward onto her hands.

“Lucas,” she whispered, pulling him up so that she could see his beautiful eyes, “Don’t say sorry, it’s not your fault, it’s mine, and I’ve already admitted that much to myself, I had just wanted to stop feeling like my heart had been breaking every day, one pain for another, but it wasn’t the best decision in the end, and even though I still get the urge, you’ve made it possible to not do it at all. You've given me hope when I felt like there had been none left, even after the summer in Philly, after therapy, after everything, I hadn’t had any hope for anything, until that day I stopped you from fighting that football player, because after that you went to therapy with me, you shared your insecurities, you started working on making yourself better which helped me because I had someone with me who not only wanted to help me, but you wanted to help yourself as well. To me that shows that you wanted to be better and stronger, not by fighting others but by fighting the hardest parts of your past and who you are.”

Taking a deep breath, after saying her little speech she touched his face with her hand, and smiled, “You make me want to keep on living Lucas Friar and for that I love you.”

He sucked in a breath, looking at her with a hopeful look on his face, “You make me want to be a better person Riley,” he said smiling. “You are the one who has given me hope, and if I’m so lucky that I get to spend my life with you I will always tell you how much you mean to me, to your family, to everyone who you’ve touched with the part of you that makes you who you are. You’re the strongest person I know Riley, and it’s one of the reasons I love you too. I could tell you a million reason why you’re a great person Riley, but all that matters is that you’re a beautiful, kind human being, and I regret the day I let you tell me that you saw me as a brother, because none of this would have happened.”

Riley blushed, trying to find something to do with her hands, she didn’t always feel the way he was describing her, it was strange, but she also felt guilty for everything that had happened, but before she could say anything Lucas kissed her hand.

“I’m not going to let you second guess yourself Riles, not today, if I have to send you daily reassurances for the rest of my life I will,” he smiled at her, she knew he wanted to get closer, but he kept his distance, they were already on a thin rope with him being in her room while she was still in bed. Her parents had allowed a lot of things since all of this had started but when it came to Lucas they still set some ground rules, the small distance between them was one. “You’re special, not just to me but to everyone around you, and while I hate myself for letting you go through all of this, I want you to look at these scars as reminders that you’re still living, that you can survive this, that you can be happy, even after all of the sorrow you’ve gone through.”

Riley didn’t think after that, she just grabbed his face and kissed him, it felt soft against the roughness of his morning stubble. He hadn’t shaved, and it was oddly comforting to her, because this was the Lucas that woke up in the mornings, the one she hadn’t really seen. But it felt like coming home. Lucas’s hands found their way to her face, the bandage covered fingers sweeping her unruly bedhead from her face as he tried to get close without being too close. Riley couldn’t help but laugh, they were kissing but they were so far from one another, they were both still very afraid of her father walking in, and it was oddly normal, it was like it had been before, except they were just a little bit older. Lucas started laughing with her, as if he realized that something had lifted between them, a weight that had been pushing them down even now

“I did not expect that,” Maya said from the door causing the two of them to separate. “You know usually people don’t start laughing when they kiss one another.”

“Yeah but, it just feels so normal,” Riley said smiling at Lucas. “This is the first time were it just feels like it had once been.”

“Yeah well it’s going to be even more like that in a minute cause your sleepyhead dad went downstairs for coffee and I’m pretty sure that he hasn’t realized that Lucas isn’t asleep on the couch.”

The minute Maya had mentioned her father, they heard a scream come from the living room, before there was a stomping noise. Lucas quickly got off the bed, sitting at the bay window as if he hadn’t just kissed Riley. Maya jumped on the bed, situating herself next to Riley while Riley tried to find a way to hide the fact that she knew she was blushing. When her father burst in through the door and saw the way they were all sitting he calmed down, taking deep breaths.

“Riley, there’s rules,” he said looking over at Lucas. It almost made her burst out laughing, because it was the first time in nearly two years where people weren’t walking on eggshells around her, it was the most normal feeling that she has felt since everything had fallen apart. That was how she knew she was going to be fine, because as long as she had her friends and her family, she would have someone to help her if she needed it.

“We were just talking I swear,” she said to him, giving him her best puppy eyes.

“Fine, it’s too early to deal with this without coffee, but when I’m fully awake we’re going to have words Lucas, words I tell you,” he said before slowly walking out of her room, leaving the door wide open.

They all started laughing the moment he had walked out, it was nice to have something normal for a change. It felt like a warmth had washed over her, and the world was telling her that everything would be fine.


End file.
